To: Terry Francona

From: Theo

Date: 7/13/06

Re: New rules

I know that we talked a little bit over the break about some of the new rules I want enforced, but I think I need to reiterate some of them.

1. Never, ever, ever bring in Julian Tavarez or Rudy Seanez with anything less than a 5 run lead or deficit. If the game goes to extra innings and you’ve already used up Hansen, Delcarmen, Timlin AND Pabelbon, then I expect to see Gabe Kapler toeing the rubber.

2. Remember Willie Harris is NOT Dave Roberts. He’s Dave without the intuition, kind of like a really hot model who can’t act. She’s got the tools, but it’s still painful to watch her speak. So, Willie is not allowed to enter the game unless he is pinch running for somebody who is already on second.

3. Hansen = ONE inning. Let’s look to the numbers again, shall we? First inning, 1.74 ERA. Second inning, 16.88 ERA. Need I say more?

4. Keep Manny away from Antonio Perez. I really think that guy has rabies. He twitches when he’s in the batter’s box and has a little white spot on the corner of his mouth. And knowing Manny, he’ll find a way to get bit.

I don’t want to have to stick Larry on you, but you’re forcing me into a tight corner. Please just follow my rules, and everything will work out fine.

-Theo