We all know the story of this years’ Boston Red Sox. They started out hot, couldn’t break away from the pack, slowed down and suddenly got Ken Griffey Jr. disease. Before you know it there was the Boston Massacre and a third place finish. So let’s look back on the individual accomplishments of the 2006 Boston Red Sox:

Schilling (15-7, 3.97 ERA, 183 Ks): Got his 200th win and 3000th strikeout this season. However, what may be more impressive than his ERA or masterful 15 wins was the fact that he stayed healthy almost the entire year. That’s tough for a pitcher who grew up pitching to a brontosaurus.

Beckett (16-11, 5.01 ERA, 158 Ks): If the price of not going on the DL all season with blister problems is a 5.01 ERA, I’ll take the DL. I know Fenway can boost a pitcher’s ERA, but giving up 36 home runs is just pathetic. So I think the solution is he has to wear a garter belt next year.

Wakefield (7-11, 4.63 ERA, 90 Ks): The next time Joe Morgan tells you that wins are the most important statistic for a pitcher, Wakefield in 2006 should be exhibit A. I think Sox fans realized what a value Wake is to the team this year when he went on a long DL stint and the Sox fell apart. It’s also a shame that it disproves the theory that you can stay healthy with a strict workout of 3 beers and a pack a day.

Clement (5-5, 6.61 ERA, 43 Ks): Woah, I forgot this guy even pitched for the Red Sox this season.

Wells (2-3, 4.98 ERA, 24 Ks): The fat man giveth and the fat man taketh away. Can you imagine what this team might have looked like if Boomer was the #5 starter instead of Johnson, Snyder or DiNardo in the first half of the season? Maybe the Sox could have ended in 2nd place! (Yeah, I’m just a little bitter that he was hurt, finally got it together and bolted for a playoff team.)

Lester (7-2, 4.76 ERA, 60 Ks): The kid(yeah, I get to call him a kid cause he’s the only player on the roster younger than I am) was an escape artist on the mound. It’s almost like he didn’t want to pitch if the bases weren’t loaded. If his ability to get out of jams even barely works in his non-pitching life, he’s got this cancer thing beat. Let’s hope we see more of him on the mound next season.

Snyder (4-5, 6.02 ERA, 55 Ks): Sorry, the Sox are only allowed one blonde mop-head in the dugout and Schilling called it.

Johnson (0-4, 7.36 ERA, 18Ks): The Jason Johnson experiment was about as much a success as combining bleach and ammonia.

DiNardo (1-2, 7.88 ERA, 17Ks): Who?

Tavarez: I gave up on trying to understand this guy. He’s even more nuts than Manny, and for the most part pitched like crap. But since the Sox had another year on his contract, he became the Sox fifth starter and ended the season 3-0, 3.52 ERA in 5 starts.

Seanez: Kick me in the nuts.

Timlin: If there was ever a case for “The World Baseball Classic was a bad idea,” Mike Timlin would be your poster boy. Started well, got dead arm, and never fully returned. The worst part is at the end of the season the Sox expected him to close. The man couldn’t close a car door, but he was supposed to shut down the MFY lineup? Right.

Delcarmen and Hansen: I’m clumping these two together because I think they both had similar seasons. Both of them had very promising starts, and then kinda fell apart. I’m just hoping that they got tired and started to break down, and not that the league caught up with them.

Papelbon (0.92 ERA, 35 Sv, 75 Ks): Lights out on the mound, and a riot off. Far and away the brightest spot in a very young bullpen. For Christ’s sakes, the guy ended the season with an ERA UNDER ONE! Plus, “[he]’s a fucking genius.”

Tek (.238/.325/.400, 12 HR): We may have complained about Tek’s black hole in the lineup this season (until we met Doug Mirabelli), but I think this stat speaks for itself. Record without Tek: 12-24, record with Tek: 74-52.

Belli (.193/.261/.342, 6 HR): The man practically got his own parade when he returned. I, for one, thought it was a great deal at the time. I guess Theo and I can be wrong together.

Youks (.279/.381/.429, 13 HR): Aside from PBR, the best success story of the year for the Sox. Consistent with the bat (including a few clutch hits), and gold-glove caliber defense. What more do you want from a “rookie”? He may not have the power of Hammerin’ Hank Greenberg, and he doesn’t have the golden arm of Sandy Koufax, but he certainly makes the rest of the members of the Tribe look good.

Loretta (.285/.345/.361, 5 HR): The guy was like vanilla ice cream, never fantastic, just good and steady. For a second basemen, that’s all you can ask for…the problem is that he was also our DH for a bunch of games in August. That’s like trying to serve that vanilla ice cream for desert at a $1000 a plate dinner, it just doesn’t cut it. I can guarantee there will be a few games next season when we’ll miss him though.

Gonzalez (.255/.299/.397, 9 HR): Best…defense…ever. Makes Jeter look like a couch at shortstop.

Lil’ Alex Cora (.238/.312/.298, 1 HR — by divine intervention off Alex Rios’ glove): Umm, keep up the good work?

Lowell (.284/.339/.475, 20 HR): Doubles (47)! Plays (22)! Truly the gem (for the Sox) of the Beckett-Lowell/Hanley-Sanchez trade. He had a great rebound season and his defense was amazing. It’s always fun to watch a guy purposely drop a line drive in the hopes of being able to start a triple play. Too bad it didn’t work out this year. If only the guy could run faster than a refrigerator doing the 100 yard dash, he might have set the record for most doubles in a season.

Hinske (.288/.352/.425, 1 HR): Thanks for the 3 2B in your first game in a Sox jersey against the MFY. I’m still pissed at you for striking out with the winning run on third and one out in the bottom of the 9th two days later when I was in the stands.

Ramirez (.321/.439/.619, 35 HR): Remember at the beginning of the season when it took him 16 games to hit a home run, so all of RSN was freaking out that he had lost it? The guy only turned around to be the Sox best overall hitter. I guess it’s just another year of Manny being Manny. Please, please, let us enjoy two more years of the same.

Coco (.264/.317/.385, 8 HR): A name does not a player make. He made some amazing catches, but most of the time his routes to fly balls were about as circuitous as a drunk guy stumbling for the bathroom. I just hopeful that his finger never really recovered, cause otherwise I am not looking forward to three more years of this.

Trot (.268/.373/.394, 8 HR): This guy became the epitome of “warning track power.” The amazing part is, it didn’t matter what stadium he was in, he always got it just not far enough. It will still be a shame to see him leave though (as it is with all the members of the 2004 Sox). Fans will miss the dirty hat, the dirty helmet and the dirty jersey; because he never played a game without sliding somewhere.

Wily Mo (.301/.349/.489, 11 HR): Would you rather have 11 home runs and an outfielder whose worse tracking fly balls than I am, or a 3.29 ERA? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Kapler (.254/.340/.354, 2 HR): I’ll be honest, if his nickname wasn’t “The Hebrew Hammer,” I doubt I’d have such a soft spot for him. He can’t hit, he not a great defender, and he’s not that fast. But he’s from LA, he’s a Jew, and he was nice to me when I met him. So let’s bring him back and burn another roster spot next season! Anybody, anybody?

Papi (.287/.413/.636, 54 HR): MVP.