I’m sorry, I’ve been a bad blogger, and it’s only going to get worse as I leave for Europe on Thursday. That said, I’m kinda liking the small game blubs. Without further ado…

May 19, day game – Sox win 13-3 vs. Braves
Matsuzaka remembers that he’s being paid $103M and mows down the Atlanta Braves (8IP, 3ER). The offense also remembers that the front office is shelling out a shitton of money for the guy on the mound and decide to give him some breathing room…13 runs of it. Youks extended his hit streak to hit streak to 12 games with a 2-run HR in the 2nd.

May 19, night game – Sox lose 14-0 vs. Braves
In a complete turnaround from the day game, Devern Hansack remembers that he’s being paid league minimum and pitches like it. The B-lineup (no-Youks, our hottest hitter, and no Tek) realizes the guy pitching doesn’t have shit and gives him no run support.

May 20 – Sox win 6-3 vs. Braves
Reverse Lock! Regular run support is restored as the Sox put up just enough runs to win behind Kason Gabbard, who pitches great (5IP, 2 ER, 7 K) even though he, like Hansack, is paid the league minimum. The big money pitcher, Hudson, gives up 6 ER in 4.2 IP. To thank Gabbard for the great performance, the Sox send him down to AAA following the game for an extra bullpen arm, Manny Delcarmen. Okajima and Papelbon suddenly look hitable even though they close out the game.

May 21 – Sox lose 6-2 @ MFY
Knuckleball – knuckle = lots of MFY runs. Combine that with Timmeh disease (12 men LOB), and you get a big fat L. Timmeh disease: it may go into remission, but it’s never fully cured. At least Youks continued his hitting streak.

May 22 – Sox win 7-3 @ MFY
Is there any better birthday gift for Julian “Kruger” Tavarez than a three-run bomb from his BFF Manny Ramierz? Of course there is, him holding that lead and to get a W on his 34th birthday! Six foot, three inch A-Fraud/Slappy McBluelips/Mr. April attempets to cement his place as King Douchebag of the MFY by elbowing 5′9″ (and that’s being generous) Dustin Pedroia near the crotch as he slides into second base. Remember, that’s a highly coveted position with players like Jason “I was wrong for doing that stuff” Giambi and Roger “I’m the most loyal player money can buy” Clemens on the team. Oki and Paps looked hittable again, but I’ll take any Sox victory in the Bronx. Youks is now at 16 games on his hit streak.

On an unrelated note, this might be the best bargain in Red Sox memorabilia. Game 5, ALCS: $1.99. All four hours, fifty-seven minutes and thirty-five seconds of it. I love iTunes.

May 15 – Sox lose 7-2 vs. Tiggers
My plan for a 151-11 season is ruined. Before this game the Sox were unbeaten when Cora started at second. Then they have to go and screw it up. And who says statistics are meaningless?

May 17, game 1 – Sox win 2-1 vs. Tiggers
The Tiggers are too scared of Freddy Kruger when they have to look at him in daylight and allow him to go 7 IP giving up a single run. Coco’s brilliant base-running (sliding under the tag and then taking 3rd base on the overshift on the same play) get the Sox the first of their two runs. I’ll use a lot of adjectives for describing Coco this season, but I doubt I’ll use brilliant again.

May 17, game 2 – Sox win 4-2 vs Tiggers
Curt tries to steal Lowell’s nickname of “Doubles” by giving up seven of them in six innings. Miraculously, he only allows two runs through all of that. It would have been more if not for Eric Hinske’s full-sprint and jump, balls to the floor, parallel to the ground, head-snap catch in the right field corner. With the game tied in the 7th Hinske then crushes a ball into the wind that ends up in the Sox bullpen. The smile on his face as he rounded the bases was easily worth the price of admission (it was really worth the price of watching the game on TV). Of course the ‘pen makes it stick.

Watching tonight’s game on NESN, I realized that the average person may hear words, names, and quotes that they don’t understand. In order to help explain these terms, we at Dirty Watah have produced this handy conversion chart:

Jerry says: Dustin Ped-roy-er makes a nice catch.
Translation: Dustin Pedroia is playing gold-glove defense.

Don says: Ordoinez gets dice kayed.
Translation: Dice-K strikes out Odoniez.

Jerry and Don laugh hysterically and can’t get out a complete sentence.
Translation: Somebody in the crowd got hit with pizza.

Jim Leyland says: I don’t give a [expletive] about him. I’m not getting into all that. I could give a [expletive] less. It’s another pitcher. We’re playing Boston. Obviously, he’s an outstanding pitcher. He’s a major league pitcher. And that’s who we’re facing.
Translation: Daisuke is going to throw a complete game against us and only give up one run. I’m very, very afraid.

Hopefully these few phrases will aid in your understanding of the next Red Sox game. Go Sox!

A few more thoughts about yesterday afternoon’s game:

1. Holy shit!

2. According to Elias, it was the first time since 1979 that a team won a game in regulation after being shutout for the first eight innings and trailing by at least five runs. It may not be an 86 year curse, but a 28 year gap is pretty damn impressive.

3. From the New York Times:

The Yankees were playing the Seattle Mariners, but there was no escaping the shadow cast by the Red Sox from across the country. When Boston scored six runs in the ninth inning to win their game, some of the Yankees noticed on the scoreboard at Safeco Field.

“I looked up and I couldn’t really believe it,” Johnny Damon said. “I thought it was a mistake.”

Can you tell he still wishes he could get rid of those pinstripes?

4. That was some mighty dirty watah.

5. Some video recap:

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mom’s out there, especially mine. I can’t even fathom the amount of patience you must have to be a good mother, and on this Mother’s day the Sox only wanted to reward those who were patient. The Sox didn’t bother to score a run through the first 8.1 innings, and during the same amount of time they gave up five runs. It wouldn’t have been very nice to make all the Mom’s in New England take care of the children disappointed with their Sox getting shut out. So when Sam Perlazzo removed Jeremey Guthrie after a mere 91 pitches, zero runs, and three hits, the pink bats of the Sox came alive.

With one down in the 9th, Coco’s pink bat didn’t do much more than his normal bat does: he reached on an error. Papi then doubled (Coco scored), WMP singled, JD walked which was followed by a Youks’ walk to make the score 5-2. Now the Sox needed some Mother’s Day magic, because every Tek at bat with the bases loaded usually results in an unproductive out. But today the pink bat came through, when Tek doubled to right-center and to make it a one run ballgame. Perlazzo decided to walk Hinske and then Cora reached on a fielder’s choice with Youks being thrown out at home (what ever happened to tie goes to the runner??).

Mr. RBI Machine himself came to the plate and chopped a ball between 1st and 2nd, which Millar stabbed and underhanded to the pitcher. Since the pitcher wasn’t 4 feet tall, it got past him while Tek and Hinske scored. Sox win.

First 8.1 innings for the Sox: 0 runs, 3 hits, 2 BB
Last 0.1 innings: 6 runs, 4 hits, 3 BB

I’d say an improbable walk-off win is a better gift than a home made spice rack or a finger painting.

All the excitement today was not pink bats and sunshine, as Beckett had to leave the game after the 4th because he tore some skin on his middle finger. I hope his Mommy was in the ballpark so she can kiss it and make it better, otherwise I’m guessing he won’t be pitching in four days.

Apparently a $42M bullpen buys you 3.2 IP, 9 R, 9H, 3BB. If I worked on Wall Street I’d tell you that is a very bad investment, especially for Jon Leicester (pronounced Lester…I was pretty confused listening to the game). Leicester gets out of the 5th, gives up the go-ahead run to Youks in the 6th, and then collapses like soft shit in the rain when he walks the bases loaded to start the inning. I guess it could be worse for the O’s. Their former closer, who is getting paid $47M by the other birds of the AL East, is having Tommy John surgery.

Schilling acted as if he was allergic to the lead today. The Sox get him one, he gives it right back. The Sox get him three more, he gives those right back. However the bats bailed him out of this one by turning a close game into a snoozefest in the 7th and 8th innings.

Tomorrow Beckett continues in his quest to go 35-0.

Here’s how not to win a ballgame: get 18 runners on base (10 hits, 8 BB), ground into one double play, get one guy picked off and leave 13 runners. Thirteen. For you non-math types that means only three guys crossed the plate. Combine that with a start from rub-a-dub Tavarez and you get a big ol L.

Tavarez is starting to remind me of mediocre football teams who will look great one day when they play up to their competition, and play like shit the next week when they play the Houston Texans. Against Santana, he gives up two measly runs. Against a guy who doesn’t have a major league win, he gives up five (and that easily should have been eight or nine). When is Lester coming back?

Runs? For Timmeh? What’s next, Manny talking to the media?

The Blue Jays’ big plan to stop Timmeh, opening the roof, almost would have worked. However, the entire game turned on the first inning double play. Bases loaded, one out, the Big Hurt swings through strike three for out number two. Then Dougie, with a speed usually only seen from Coco, fires a strike down to first to catch Troy Glaus lollygaging off the bag. Six more scoreless innings later and Timmeh was sitting on the AL’s best ERA of 1.79. Of course, he still only has a 4-3 record because of his run support.

The Sox sweep couldn’t be complete without a meltdown from Roy “Doc” Halladay. Six runs in the 3rd, all with two outs is not what the doctor ordered for the Jays (yeah, I went there). The pitch Lowell hit for a home run was nasty and yet he managed to golf it from his ankles and still got it over the fence. At Fenway, it’s a wall-ball single. In the open-aired dome, it’s a 3-run jack, and probably the exclamation point.

The Jays also learned that their closer, BJ Ryan is out for the season following Tommy John surgery so they hung his jersey in the dugout during the game. Folks, HE’S NOT DEAD, just out for the year. Either way, I’ll still take a sweep of the Molson drinking Jays every time I can get it.

_{(Picture from Surviving Grady.)}

I know I’ve been lazy the past week or so. I assume anybody reading here knows what has been going on in the wild world of sports during that time, but just in case you haven’t here’s the Sox recap:

May 4 – Sox win 2-0 @ Twinkies
Wake, as usual, gets no run support. In response, he tells the team “I don’t need your stinking runs” and shuts out the Twinkies while switching between bags of IV fluid and a pack of smokes in the clubhouse tunnel.

May 5 – Sox lose 2-1 @ Twinkies
Tavarez pitched very well, but Santana and the Twinkie pen pitched slightly better. Manny for some reason decided to massage Taverez’s head in the dugout. Hilarity ensued.

May 6 – Sox win 4-3 @ Twinkies
Schilling pitches well until the 7th when he implodes and almost costs the Sox the lead. Of course, the lead would have been bigger if Alex Cora didn’t get thrown out at 2nd on a sac fly before the runner from 3rd (Pedroia) crossed the plate. Apparently that .405 batting average has got to Cora’s head. The Twinkies try to give the Sox something to remember them by and take Youk’s manhood (so the pitch only hit him on the inner thigh, it was close enough).

May 7 – Sox win 9-3 @ Jays
Beckett gives up a leadoff homer, and then shuts down the northern Sox nemesis to win his first seven starts. Pedroia goes deep (you may want to read that one again), along with Youk, Tek, and Doubles. Youks plays punching bag again, and gets hit in the leg.

May 8 – Sox win 9-2 @ Jays
Dice-K goes seven innings giving up a run and King eight. The Red Sox remember what they paid $103M for in the offseason. He gets some runs support for the first time, as Pedroia’s batting average eclipses JD Drew’s. But individual stats don’t matter, right?

OK, now that we’re all caught up, the Sox, who are currently 22-10 and six games up on the MFY, will try to keep this dome-domination going against Roy Halladay tonight. At least the Sox offense will have an excuse this time when they don’t score any runs for Timmeh.

Every so often, a team needs to make a statement about who they are. I think this game made quite a few statements:

1. Never underestimate this year’s Sox. Down 5-0, they quickly came back by scoring five runs of their own in the 2nd.

2. Dice-K isn’t Johan Santana quite yet. The gyroball doesn’t fool anybody when you can’t throw any of your other six pitches for strikes.

3. This is not your father’s bullpen (if your father happened to be born in 2005 or 2006…I’m not going to ask). 4 IP, 0 R. The most impressive part? That was without Oki and Paps.

4. Papi’s a lover, not a fighter. How many other players would hug the second basement when getting tagged out? (Thanks to Surviving Grady for the picture.)

5. Manny’s being Manny again. A 2-run shot to left for the lead in the 4th, followed by the go-ahead solo bomb to right with 2 down in the 8th and a 3-2 count.

That last one might be the most dangerous statement of all.