In 2005 I remember watching the best Red Sox-MFY pitching duel of the decade short of the famous Pedro vs. Celemns matchup in 2000. One of the pitchers was to be expected, the Big Eunuch. The other one, not as much, the elder statesman Tim Wakefield. Wake pitched a complete game three-hit loss, giving up only a solo shot to HGHiambi.

Well, now it’s 2008, and payback’s a bitch. This time Wake held the Big Eunuch’s team scoreless, while the Eunuch couldn’t slither out of enough jams to save his ugly mug. And just to add insult to the loss, Kevin Cash CRUSHED a 3-run homer to put the game out of reach for the snakes. Now that’s the team I remembered that plays at Fenway.

Although going into the 8th inning down 4-1 to the Doug David lead D-backs, it was hard not to. The Sox had managed to score a whopping two runs in the past 16 innings. On the road that’s not so surprising, but at the Fens? Pathetic.

And then, there was a moment I might have cried out of happiness and shock. Please make sure you’re sitting down for this. Julio Lugo started an eighth inning rally. Read that last sentence again just to make sure you got it. Julio Lugo started an eighth inning rally. Sure, it also took hits by Jacoby and Pedroia, and required a huge two-out double by Lowell to tie the game, but Julio Lugo actually started something good. Just when you think you’ve come to terms with that, the one-for-his-last-30 Captain singled in Lowell for the 4th run of the inning and a 5-4 lead.

OK, maybe there is crying in baseball, but only if you’re Kevin Youkilis who had to sit out the game with “watery eyes” from a nasty shiner.

Sorry for the lapse in posts, I’ve been in the Windy City for my sister’s college graduation. She did not fall in love with any of the sports teams in her college city as I did with mine, which is really a shame for the Cubs since the Sox broke their World Series drought the year I graduated. Please note how I said drought and not the C word, Mr. Shaughnessy.

But it looks like the Sox don’t like it when I head out. They apparently missed me more than Kim did. After their best road trip of the season (4-2) on the backs of our big sluggers Coco Crisp and JD Drew, they come home to what should be automatic W’s and put up two quick stinkers worse than Mayor Daley’s speech to Northwestern’s class of 2008. Wakefield pitched well, but Dice-K, uhhh, maybe you’d like to spend some more time in lovely Pawtucket. I hear it’s beautiful this time of year with batters who swing at the crap you throw out of the strike zone.

To add injury to insult, we also learned on Saturday that one of the greatest clutch pitchers in all of baseball is done for the season and possibly his career. (More on this in a later post.)

In Sunday’s final game, it looks like the Sox were going to get swept at home in a 3+ game series for the first time since ‘06. Swept by Joel Pinero? Pinero who was supposed to be a closer but couldn’t even hold down the position of long man in the pen for the Sox last year? Even if the rest of the team and Tito seemed fine with it, Youk knew this was unacceptable. After squandering leadoff doubles in THREE STRAIGHT INNINGS (10th, 11th and 12th) Youk had enough of that crap in the 13th and finally cleared the Monster just as the insufferable Chip Carey was saying that the new Cardinals pitcher Mike Parisi could go for a number of innings. My Youks action figure will get a gotee rub when I get home tonight.

The D-backs come to the Fens tonight and by some miracle the Sox will miss Brandon Webb, so they get Dan Haren instead. Great.

Coco must be eating his Wheaties. How else do you explain his recent power surge? Three games, three home runs. And amazingly none were of the inside-the-park variety.

Just as impressive was Lester who has now gone 10 straight starts without allowing more than 3 ER. Maybe John Farell knew something when he supposedly pounded on the table begging the front office not to trade Lester for Santana. Anybody who can strike out Ryan Howard three times and hold the NL’s best offensive team to the big goose egg in runs over 7 IP in that bandbox of a stadium gets my seal of approval.

In one corner, the 5′11″ pitcher weighing in at a conservative 245lbs from the Dominican Republic with a fastball that can barely hit 92 anymore…Bartolo Colon.

And in the other corner, standing at 6′4″ and weighing in at 256lbs, the slugger from St. Louis who could probably have taken Colon deep during his Cy Young days…Ryan Howard.

Yeah, who do you think won this matchup? 2-2, 2HR, 2R, 3 RBI

As for the “admiral” of the pirate bullpen, Mike Timlin probably couldn’t pitch in Omaha right now and have a scoreless inning.

Famous dates for Unfortunately Named Pitchers:

In his major league debut on May 26, 1980, Bob WALK gives up five free passes in only 2.2 IP.

The appropriately named David RISKE entered the 7th inning with a 2 run lead on May 9, 2004. By the time he was pulled one inning later, he had allowed four runs and earned a blown save and the loss.

Grant BALFOUR couldn’t even get out of an inning before issuing three ball fours on July 18, 2004. In fact, he only went 0.1 IP that game.

But quite possible the most impressive pitching line to match the pitcher’s name will now go to HOMER Baily yesterday against the Sox. Mr. Homer (it’s more fun than Mr. Bailey) severed up bombs to some of the unlikeliest of characters in a starting lineup missing both Papi and Manny. In 2.1 IP he gave up a 2-run shot to Coco, and solo shots to Jacoby and Nancy en route to a 9-0 whopping. Sorry Mr. Balfour, it’s time to hand over that trophy now.

Almost two years without a trip to Fenway is just too long. So when my college roomate called me to let me know that my invitation to his wedding got lost, I figured it was an opportunity to make it back to the mothership.

Everyone knows that tickets to Fenway are difficult if not impossible to obtain. Lucky for Kim and I, they were playing the Orioles. I bought bleacher seats on redsox.com the day before the game.

Since this is probably my only chance to get to Fenway this season, I wanted to spend as much time at the cathedral of baseball as possible. We got there about 1.5 hours before the 6:05 first pitch and made sure to buy our lottery tickets for the World Series Ring raffle. The woman selling the tickets made sure to tell us that you had to be 18 to play. We nodded. Then, as I started to fill out the raffle stub she turns to me and says “you know, it’s a federal law that you have to be 18.” To avoid more subtle hints like this I looked up and said “I’m 25.” She was speechless. And my parents still wonder if I get carded for drinks.

Fenway is beautiful as always, and on an 80 degree day without 2000% humidity I’m not sure of anywhere better to be. Since my last visit, I really like some of the changes they’ve made. There’s a 2007 flag in center, a red 2007 banner outside the stadium and a red 2007 pennant right above the press box. I’d say it’s even more impressive than the State Street Pavilion.

Fenway Franks look so much more disgusting than I remembered them as being back in college. I bought one, looked at it, and realized that my intestines would thank me later if I didn’t eat it. Soft pretzel and a beer are the dinners of champions anyways.

Kim and I didn’t exactly follow the stadium rules. And I’m not talking about the “drink responsibly” or the “don’t curse” rules. This is Fenway after all, some things will never change. Instead of heading for our bleacher seats in the sun, we decided to sit down in a couple of Loge seats in section 112ish. We got bumped about three or four times, but in the 2nd inning we came upon some seats about 20 rows back and were set for the game. I think that may have been the first and only bargain at Fenway Park in it’s 96 year existence.

During the National Anthem you could hear a few scattered screams of “OH!” Scientific proof that Oriole fans aren’t extinct, just endangered.

Lester was sensational. He worked quickly, got out of jams, and pitched to contact. I think this kid could throw a no-hitter one day! The fans, not so much. I was really disappointed by the lack of enthusiasm and knowledge of those around us. One guy was trying to explain to his buddy why the tying run was at the plate when there was a 5-2 game and two runners on. Kim and I also tried to start a clap going when Lester was trying to get out of his 6th inning jam. People wondered why we were clapping. They also thought we were getting up and cheering for the 7th inning stretch when Lester came walking off the field after having throw 7 innings, 101 pitches.

They did manage to get up and cheer when Mikey Lowell hit a grand salami into the Monster seats in the 5th, and again for Yooooooook’s 2-run shot in the 7th and Nancy’s 2-run bomb in the 8th. To their credit they also cheered for a number of nice plays by Lugo at short and groaned very loudly when he committed his 13th error. A classic game from En Fuego.

Luckily Mike Timlin decided not to give everyone a heart attack and everyone got to go home with a lovely 9-2 win — the first one I’ve seen at Fenway since 2004. Too bad the Lakers couldn’t hold their shit together too.

Holy crap, I used the MMA reference one game too early. Just in case you were thinking, wow, the Sox really haven’t had a good old fashioned throw down the gloves brawl since July 24, 2004, you were in luck yesterday. Since you’ve probably seen the video of Coco sprinting out to the mound after being hit, and the ensuing brawl, I figure I’ll just give my winners and losers:

Winners:

1. The Red Sox. They essentially traded Coco for the Rays’ starting pitcher, Shields, and their DH, Gomes. Now Gomes isn’t exactly Mickey Mantle, but then again, neither is Coco.
2. Sean Casey. I’m still curious as to how he was the first guy out to tackle Shields when he can barely beat out a single to left. But “The Mayor” just keeps adding more reasons for his teammates to love him.
3. Johnny Gomes. How often do you get to hit a defenseless player while he’s under a pile? I didn’t say he was classy, just that he came out on top.
4. Coco. He got to take out Iwamaura on Wednesday, and then makes a spectaular move to avoid Shield’s right haymaker and whacks him on the follow through. Plus, when he finally came out of the pile, smiling, he called all the Devil Rays “little girls.”

Losers:

1. The Devil Rays. You’re fighting for first place so you decide to lose you starting pitcher and DH in the 2nd inning? Makes you really wonder if they want to win the division or just beat people up along the way.
2. James Shields. Swing and a miss. You had about three seconds to wind up for Coco and rather than take off your glove, you remove your hat. Plus, you still missed him. Oh, and I hope you enjoy the loss on your record: 1+ inning, 4 ER. Sucker.
3. Manny. Clearly Manny is a lover, not a fighter. The teams were almost playing again by the time Manny came out on the field.

Completely unrelated, but Ellsbury hurt his wrist and Manny and Youks got into a scuffle in the dugout. Tito’s reaction? “Everybody’s fighting, I was getting ready to kick Millsy’s ass.”

Tonight Coco will take on the Mariner’s roster in a kung-fu circle fight. Brass knuckles are OK, but switchblades won’t be tolerated by the umps.

What was with Coco last night? Did he think that he had lost the title of “most ridiculous name in sports” to Kimbo Slice so he wanted to try to win the MMA title on the baseball field? In the three years Coco has been a member of the Sox, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that fired up. Make a great final catch to end the ALCS? Meh. Win the World Series? Kinda interesting. Jason Bartlett blocks second on a steal attempt. Suddenly he goes coo coo for Coco Puffs. (Sorry, I had to.)

The Sox are also back in first despite Joe Maddon and his emo glasses screaming at Coco in the dugout.

Which of the following is least likely to happen:

(a) Tek gets a bases loaded single to tie the game
(b) Coco, in the middle of a 1-25 slump, hits a 2-run bases loaded double for the lead
(c) Pedro Martinez goes 2-3 with an RBI
(d) The Devil Rays are in 1st place on June 4th

Believe it or not, it’s (e), all of the above, AND somehow they all happened yesterday. Pedro is quite possibly one of the worst hitters of all time, rivaling only my co-ed Softball team’s catcher. But there are few things funnier than watching him do his goofy double-point plus hip gyration while standing on first. I think he’s angling himself to become the Dominican Tom Jones when his baseball career is finally over. After watching Petey do his thing for years in a Sox jersey and now making a comeback in the blue and orange, we should know that he can do anything he puts his mind to. Even hit.