Delayed Payday
To: All Red Sox players
From: Red Sox Management
We know that the first and the last of the month is when you generally pick up your salary checks, but this pay period things are going to work a little differently. Josh, Jon, Dasiuke, Timmy, Clay, Dustin and Paps: please swing by Theo’s office sometime tomorrow between 10 and 5.
For everybody else, please join us in the third floor conference room at 7pm tomorrow. We’re going to have a little ceremony where we burn you paychecks one by one as you watch. Hopefully, this process should take about three hours. Maybe then you’ll know what it feels like to be a fan watching this offense put up craptacular numbers day after day after day.
If you can’t make it, don’t worry, we know where you live and hope you enjoy the flaming bag of crap on your doorstep. Inside is your paycheck too. This should also provide a nice simulation of the recent fan experience for you.
Let’s only do this once, ok guys?
Thanks,
-Theo and company
To: Red Sox Manangement
From: Red Sox Players
when Youk got the memo, he cursed and threw a chair across the room, the rest of us make more money from endorsements, personal appearances and signing memorabilia than we make from actually playing, so you can keep the paychecks and shove them where you know they’ll fester and rot for a while. Honestly, we know the bullpen cannot buy a strike, so stop trying to buy hits from us.
We’re trying everything we know; we’re hairing up again, limiting the groupies to 2 hours a day, we’d like all the smart guys traded, including tito, so we can all be stupid again. Why, Manny even went to a grocery store and found a kid to help. We’re all a little pissed at Dustin anyway, who’s the little guy think he is still hitting? We’d rather keep Manny and trade Dustin then at least we’d ALL suck.
Can we just forfeit the rest of the season and start again next year? The whole season was screwed up from day one with the stupid Japan trip – we’re STILL trying to recover. The jet lag from here to Tampa just brings it all back again.
Comment by Joe F. — July 31, 2008 @ 9:36 am