You’re probably all wondering how Mr. Shaky Wakey himself could be five outs from a no-hitter; how he could go the first seven innings and only have made 67 pitches (50 of them for strikes!!!), not to mention how he could do all of this with the wind howling out to right field. I’ve got an answer for why he pitched so well, and trust me, it’s indisputable.

One, I didn’t attend this game. Twice in the past three season the Sox have come to Oakland and had mid-week getaway day games. I’ve gone to almost every Sox game in Oakland, but I say almost because I’ve missed two: Curt’s almost no-hitter, and Wake’s almost no-hitter. Either they really like the daylight, or, I’m supposed to stay far away from the Sox.

Second, Timothy “black lung” Wakefield has learned how to stretch. Inconceivable, but it’s true. As I was waiting for the elevator on Tuesday Wake was stretching in the door to the weight room. It looked painful, not only because a good stretch often does look painful but also because he looked like he had the flexibility of a piece of granite. I must have had a confused look on my face because he said to me “when you get to my age, you’ve got to stretch.” At age 42 he was young, but now, he realizes that he’s getting old and needed to start stretching.

So Timmy, my suggestion to you is to stretch away! If we’re lucky, this stretching thing will carry Wakefield through 29 more wins, just enough to pass Cy Young and Roger Clemens on the all-time Sox victories list.