Too bad it’s so quiet with Red Sox news these days. What? Ortiz steroids? Falling 3.5 games back of the MFY? Shit, I guess there are one or two topics to talk about.

I’m going to preface my thoughts on the Ortiz situation with this: I am a blogger and this is a blog. Nobody should ever confuse it for impartial journalism. So when Big Papi says this:

One, I have already contacted the Players Association to confirm if this report is true. I have just been told that the report is true. Based on the way I have lived my life, I am surprised to learn I tested positive. Two, I will find out what I tested positive for. And, three, based on whatever I learn, I will share this information with my club and the public. You know me – I will not hide and I will not make excuses.

I really want to believe him. I want to believe that he (a) didn’t know that he was on the list of 103 names from 2003 and that (b) he really has no clue what he tested positive for. I want to believe that all the statements he’s made prior to this about steroids (”Ban them for the whole year”) were his real feelings, and not a plot to look innocent when this list came forward. And because of what he did in 2004-2007 I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and ignore the fact that it would all make too much sense. However, the fact that I have to keep prefacing sentences with “I want to believe” and “benefit of the doubt” clearly means that I’m probably rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic instead of accepting the fact that the ship is sinking.

Unless he pulls an OJ, Big Papi will forever be loved in New England. But from now on, whenever Sox fans talk about their beloved Papi they’re going to have to hear it from everyone else. Just what we needed, more ammo for MFY fans. The go-ahead 3-run homer yesterday sure was nice though.

Otherwise, things are just fantastic in Red Sox Nation. Except that the Sox can’t score runs, went a mediocre 4-3 on the homestand against two teams that are a combined 28 games under .500 and at one point were 3.5 games behind the MFY. Can we please have Halladay now?

In the style of Chad Finn, twenty minutes stuck in a meeting for me, five Red Sox related thoughts for you…

1. Nice of Beckett to pitch like an ace for the first five innings last night. I can’t really blame him for starting to tire in the 6th, 7th and 8th since he kept having long waits in the dugout while the Sox were batting. The idea of having to keep warm while the Sox are batting is a totally foreign concept to any Sox pitcher, let’s hope the pitching staff has to get used to it again.

2. How much longer is John Smoltz’s leash? He’s a no-question HOFer. He’s been a fantastic starter and great closer, and none of that matters if he can’t get a third out. Unless he’s going to learn to play RF so Tito can swap him for Drew when there are two outs, I don’t know how much longer I want him pitching in a Sox uniform. He’s made six starts, two were good, four were absolute crap. Between him and Dice-K they’ve put up a 2-9 record and a 7.68 ERA. Right now the Sox need to find a way to not have an automatic loss every 5th day if they want to make the playoffs.

3. I was ecstatic to see the Sox put up eight runs (yes, it’s so monumental I had to spell eight) on Saturday, but I’ve got a bone to pick with Tito. Sixth inning, one out, 3-0 count to Tek. And he swings. Jason .231 Vartiek had the green light with a 3-0 count. I give Pedey the green light, I give Youk the green light, I give Papi the green light if he’s on one of his hot streaks. But since this isn’t 2004, Tek should be taking at least one, maybe two pitches.

4. For all of you who aren’t in the Bay Area, be thankful you never have to listen to Glen Kuiper and Ray Fosse. They are the worst kind of homers, acting like they’re being impartial but asking how a pitch that’s a foot and a half outside is called a ball. I’d take Dave Roberts over both of them any day.

5. Finally, a big congratulations to Jim Rice, not only being inducted to the HOF on Sunday, but also having his number 14 put up in right field next to Bobby, Joey, Johnny, Yazzy, Teddy, Fisky, and Jackie tonight. Let’s just hope that every time NESN sends it back to the studio they don’t pull an ESPN/Joe Morgan move and always refer to him as “Hall of Famer, Jim Rice.” It’s like getting your MD or PhD. The title will be cute for a year, but if you insist on being called “doctor” after that it’ll just get annoying.

Hi, I’m Jonathan, and I have a problem.

(Hi Jonathan.)

I’m a drama queen. I need the added pressure. I love it. I thrive on it. Closing out a baseball game just isn’t enough for me anymore. That became too easy. So now I screw things up a bit just to make everybody worry. The team hands me a two run lead and a five-game losing streak, and instead of just getting three straight outs I give up two singles to start the 9th. Then, when I know everybody is squirming, I get an out. But suddenly, with one out, this doesn’t seem so hard anymore, so I walk another batter. Woah, bases loaded, tying run on second, ok, now I’ve got the juices flowing. So I strike out the next batter. Two outs and the bases loaded doesn’t seem so tough so I go to to a full count for fun. And then, with everybody in the stadium about to have a heart-attack, then I close out the game.

Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll just keep doing this all season. See you guys, thanks for the coffee!

Happy 5-year anniversary of July 24, 2004! Apparently it’s the “wooden” anniversary, which is perfect for a baseball related celebration. In case you forgot why we celebrate today, here’s a reminder from the Captain:

Let’s hope that it brings the Sox some good mojo…

Let’s make that 49 innings without a crooked number and counting…

7/22 001 000 000

But not to worry, the Sox made a major trade and have now acquired…Adam LaRoche? Wait, you mean the Adam LaRoche who is currently in a 5/46 slump, with a whopping one walk? Good work, Theo. With the current lineup, he should be our 3rd best hitter!

Well, there goes first place. I could bitch and moan about the mediocre pitching and lack of run support, but I’m pretty sure that Allan over at Joy of Sox put it better than I could. Here are the last 40 innings of offense for the Red Sox:

7/17 --- --0 000
7/18 010 000 100
7/19 100 000 000
7/20 100 100 010
7/21 000 001 001

That’s right, zero crooked numbers in 40 innings (and only a whopping eight runs). In other words: we suck right now.

When have we seen this before? Sox get a 1-0 lead, then the offense decides to take eight innings off, the starting pitcher collapses, and the Sox lose a game on the MFY. Oh, wait, that’s the script for the past three games! You’d like to look for the bright side in these games. Something like “the starters are really doing well” or “at least the offense is clicking,” but there are two problems with that glass-as-half-full theory. One, the whole team looks like they’d have a tough time holding down a roster spot in Pittsburgh right now. And two, this is a Red Sox blog, what the hell is half-full?

The best thing Sox fans have to look forward to is Clay Buchholz. He pitched extremly well the first game after the break, and that was without his best stuff. (We all remember what he can do with his best stuff.) Last season if he didn’t have everything working he collapsed on the mound. Of course, after a great start he got sent back down to the minors and nobody else followed in his footsteps. Penny is transforming into the 2nd-half Penny we all knew was coming (his ERA traditionally adds almost an extra full run after the ASB), and Smoltz still can’t put six good innings together. Which makes me wonder, in a pennant race that could easily come down to one or two wins, how many more opportunities does Smoltz get to prove that he can be a worthwhile pitcher in the AL East?

As much as I’d like to keep partying over H1N1E6 being DFAed, I must still point out this little statistic:

Red Sox record with Lowrie: 2-5
Red Sox record without Lowrie: 53-32

How much longer until he gets a crappy nickname too…?

Stop the presses! H1N1E6 just added three new letters onto his name: DFA, as in, designated for assignment. This might be the happiest day of my life. If I was married or had a kid, the day Julio Lugo was DFAed would still rank above those days as well. Just in case you wondered why…

I hate the way that he can’t field a routine grounder. I hate the way it takes him an hour and a half to get into the batters’ box. I hate that he gets all upset at everybody but himself when he makes an out. I hate that after I spend the day watching him, I can still picture his grounding into a double play. And I hate that he is the last person I want to curse out before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m a Sox fan, and it’s not because it’s the first game day after the All Star break. I blogged here tonight because when you realize you absolutely never want to see somebody wearing your team’s jersey anymore, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. (Holding back tears.) Oh thank you Theo, you’ve made me that happiest man in Red Sox Nation!

(Credit to Nora Ephron for writing such a cheesy speech in the first place.)

Welcome, one and all, to the slowest sports day of the year. It’s the day that all the Sportscenter anchors dread all year because they end up using hampsters doing backflips on top plays, or worse, MLS highlights. So on this worst of all possible sports days, here is a picture of Wake doing the Captain Morgan’s pose at the All Star festivities. Oh, and a real post about real baseball…

Heading into last weekend, the 10-game homestand looked like a bust. The Sox were 3-4 against the Mighty Mariners, the AAA’s and the Royals. On a homestand when the Sox were hoping to increase their AL East lead, they were suddenly tied with the MFY. Jon Lester started the weekend with a sub-par performance against the Royals, albeit by his standards. Most pitchers would be happy, or at least satisfied with an 8-inning, shutout performance. But against the Royals, we all know what Lester is capable of.

I’m curious why the bullpen despises John Smoltz though. You’d think that he burned down their houses, drugged their wives and then made them watch MLS highlights. We all remember the Worst Lost of 2009©. The one that you can still see when you close your eyes as a 10-0 lead becomes 11-10 loss. Who was the starter that day? John Smoltz. So when Smoltz handed the pen a 9-1 lead on Saturday, it shouldn’t have come as a shock that the lead deteriorated into a 9-7 before the offense gave them some more insurance runs. Luckily the pen managed to barely hold on this time, although Delcarmen better buy JD Drew a couple of thirty-racks for his bases-loaded outfield assist, 9-2. With the bags full of Royals and one out, Nancy picked up a line drive on a short-hop and fired home to Tek, getting the force play at home. I guess a win is a win, right?

On Sunday, Beckett one-upped Lester with a complete game shutout in a mere 94 pitches. Against Lester, the Royals struggled; against Beckett, they looked like 9th graders. Curve, fastball, changeup, he had it all working. Even though the Sox blew countless chances to make the game a laugher, Beckett made a 1-0 first inning lead feel like it was 7-0.

Meanwhile, on the Left Coast, the The Angeles Angels of Anaheim (without Torii or Vladdy) were kind enough to take care of the MFY. I’m still not sure how that lineups scored one run, let alone 29 in the three-game series. With the MFY sweep, and the Sox three game winning streak, the Sox are now 3 games up in the AL East entering the All Star Break. We can’t break out the party hats and confetti, but it’s a whole lot better that we looked on Thursday.

Wake has now made 384 starts, and while I haven’t seen them all, I can’t ever remember his knuckleball moving like it was last night. Imagine an nerdy 12 year old who suddenly thinks he’s the next Fred Astaire after watching “You Got Served” trying to dance to hip-hop. That’s how Wake’s knuckleball moved.

By some miracle, a number of the A’s batters were still able to put the ball in play against Wake. From the 2nd inning on Wake was always working out of trouble, and amazingly, he always escaped. After he allowed a run in the 2nd, the A’s had 1st and 3rd with no outs and he stranded both runners. In the 3rd he worked out of a 2nd and 3rd, one out jam. In the 4th the A’s had runners on the corners with one out and again Wake didn’t give up a run. Shakey Wakey turned into Timmeh Houdini.

I guess Paps didn’t want to make Wake feel out of place before his first all-star appearance, since he pulled a Houdini act of his own. Giving up a run, putting the tying run at second and making everybody in the ballpark except Tacoby think that you just gave up a 3-run homer is not what I’d generally call “all-star material.” As Harry Houdini once said “many things that seem wonderful to most men are the every-day commonplaces of my business.” Replace “wonderful” with “nerve-racking”, and I think that is becoming the truth with Paps.