Just when I was thinking, huh, we’ve had absolutely no Sox news in the past week, Theo was kind enough to go and sign another low-risk high-reward (LWHR) pitcher. Before we all get too high on Mr. “I had a 6.27 ERA in not only the NL, not only the NL West, but in Dodger Stadium,” let’s take a look back at the recent history of the LWHR signings by Theo.

2008: El Fatso, otherwise known as Bartolo Colon
2007: Joel Pineiro
2005: Matt Mantei and Wade Miller

El Fatso pitched a whopping seven games putting up a 4-2 record and a 3.92 ERA. He was the best of the Theo LRHW signings. Pineiro, who was a one point considered the favorite for the closer position, looked like he wanted to crap himself every time he put a runner on base (and with his 41 hits allowed in 34 IP, was almost every time) put up a 5.03 ERA and was traded for a PTBNL (AKA bag-of-balls). Mantei increased the bullpen depth in 2005 with a gargantuan 6.49 ERA (another of Theo’s potential closers), while his partner in crime, Wade Miller, lasted 16 games with a 4-4 record and a 4.95 ERA.

So before we go off talking about how Penny and Beckett are going to become BFFs, dueling each other all season for the Cy Young while knocking back beers and comparing their dating conquests, I instead give you this prediction: like his career, Penny will start out every game with promise, all of a sudden lose it in the 4th and by the middle of July we’ll all be begging for Paul Byrd again. And when this happens, he’ll become a clubhouse cancer rivaling Jay Payton. It’s a harsh reality, and I hope I’m wrong, but Theo’s track record with these signings doesn’t give me much hope.

In brighter news, all of us here at Dirty Watah (ok, just Kim and I), want to wish you all a happy 2009, and hope it can be as prosperous as 2007 was to the Sox.

• In the next few years, the MFY are going to end up with four expensive players that will only be able to play 1B or DH: Teixera, A-Rod, Posada and Jeter.
• Lars Anderson’s path to Fenway is no longer blocked until 2016.
• I don’t have to learn how to spell Teixeira’s name (that’s right, it’s spelled three different ways in this post alone).
• The MFY are not allowed to sign Manny or Lowe now. That’s right, an actual MLB rule. We all wish there was a salary cap, but, this will have to do for now. I know that won’t help the Sox any, but it helps for when I watch those 2004 DVDs.

OK, who am I kidding, those are all terrible reasons. Here’s to hoping that either CC, Burnett or Texwhocareshowhisnameisspelledia becomes the next Mike Hampton. Please?

Since Mark probably would have nervous breakdown at a 31 flavors right now, we’ll try not to pay attention until he signs his name somewhere. Anyways, to all the loyal Dirty Watah readers, have a happy holiday season. Thanks for coming back, and hopefully the Sox can go a little further than they did this year.

Update: No sooner than I post that, then The Globe says that a decision is “imminent.” Yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it.

So in the last week the MFY shelled out about enough money to bail out the auto industry between the seven year, $161M contract for CC, and the five year, $82M contract for Burnett, but all Red Sox nation wants to talk about is the new jerseys. OK, I’ll bite: they’re ugly. The new road uniforms look like the 1986 jerseys, but to make sure you don’t just go on ebay to buy one for $20 from the 80s they added the hanging sox patch on the sleeve to make sure you have to spend $250. That’s one expensive patch. (On a side note, while browsing ebay and I saw somebody selling a 4XL Pedroia jersey. Does that seem wrong to anybody else?) Plus, what was wrong with the old road jersey? They matched the home jersey nicely, and the Sox did win two World Series with those road greys. Hard to compete against that.

The alternate road jersey is about as lame as it gets. “What about if we take the batting practice jersey and have the players wear it during a game?” Brilliant Larry, why not just have them wear their underwear on the field? I bet that’ll sell well too and you don’t even need to spend any money on R&D.

The alternate hat is another story. While the B has been a classic on the hat for generations now, the current version of the B is less than original. The exact same B is used as the logo for UCLA (the Bruins), in navy/white/gold instead of navy/white/red, which means that the Sox can’t make 37 different colored versions of the same hat. Since this new uniform thing is clearly all about selling more merchandise, and I’ve always liked the hanging socks logo more than the B, I’d say the Sox did a nice job with this one. My only problem with it is the red top. I know the Sox unveiled these just in time for Christmas shopping, but letting Rudolph design the hat was not the brightest idea.

Holy crap, when did this blog turn into Project Runway? Please Theo, can you just sign Teixeira already so we can get back to the important things on the field instead of whether Youk’s shoes clash with his socks.

I know that Las Vegas spent a lot of money on the whole “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” campaign, but this is ridiculous. I don’t need to know about Brian Cashman’s crazy party where Hank Steinbrenner accidentally shot a hooker in the thigh, but a little wheeling and dealing would be nice. So, in the interest of baseball fans everywhere, can Cashman sweeten his offer to CC by introducing him to Gertel’s Bakery and have Theo sign Tex by beating him in a staring contest so we can have some fun at these meetings? Otherwise all the GMs are going to have to start doing mandatory shots for every 20 minutes that passes without a deal being consummated. Now we’re talking.

When the news came out about Pedroia’s six-year $40.5M extension I was a little surprised to see that the first thing he said on the media conference call was not “Well, I fucking deserved it.” Although he did say that, “I think you guys [the media] are all stupid for not believing in me.” But the truth is, that in this case, he would have been correct on both counts. Rookie of the Year, MVP, gold glove, silver slugger, and Jockey of the Year all in his first two seasons. The Sox obviously made out well in this deal, and so did Pedey, but the true winner may have been Tito: “With the six-year contract, I feel like I got a bump in salary because of his cribbage skills.”

Of course it’s a small bonus considering they are also giving Tito a heart attack by singing Japenese pitcher Junichi Tazawa. Let me get this straight, we signed another Japanese pitcher with a low-90s fastball and a multitude of breaking pitches? Who else is looking forward to more 5-inning, 110 pitch starts? I can just feel the excitement…when do pitchers and catchers report?

Like every other American blog it seems only appropriate this week to put up a post of things I’m thankful for. Although I think that Keith Olbermann put it best when he said in Sports Illustrated that “Thanksgiving means…to me [that] we’re too far removed from the World Series but not close enough to spring training.” So while I’m thankful for my family, my co-author and girlfriend, Dirty Watah being mentioned on Sunday Night Baseball, The Steal, Damon’s Grand Slam, The Bloody Sock, Beckett’s performance in the 2007 playoffs, Buchholz’s no-hitter, Lester’s no-hitter, Big Papi being released by the Twinkies, Tito and Theo, I came across something that I think both Keith and I should truly be thankful for: ESPN Deportes.

That’s right, it’s the station that’s up in the 200’s somewhere that you usually skip over it because it’s showing two South American football teams that come from towns with a population that would be smaller than a Fenway crowd in the early 90s. But if you paid a little more attention, you’d realize that ESPN Deportes isn’t just a station for you to turn on when you’re drunk you so can scream “GOOOOOOAAAAALLLL” along with the announcers. No, this is the station that provides us baseballaholics with our fix during the offseason with live Dominican League baseball. Sure, you can’t understand the announcers since they’re speaking Spanish. And it’s a little strange that they say that a batter is “2-0″ instead of “0 for 2″. But they use wooden bats, and play 9 full innings. You’re welcome Keith.

We all knew this was coming. Coco clearly didn’t like being second-fiddle to the Mormon from Oregon, and rightfully so, he had too much talent to be a fourth outfielder. Sadly, Coco never lived up to the ridiculously high expectations that everybody set for him when he came in to replace the very large shoes left behind by “Judas” Damon. Coco’s offensive numbers certainly were never an improvement over Damon’s from ‘02-’05, although he was an immediate upgrade for the Sox in IQ.

But rather than think about all the potential gone south (remember how he started his first five games in a Sox jersey with a .333BA, a double, a triple and 2SB before breaking his pinkie??), I’d rather just remember Coco for some of the good things. His ridiculous bases-loaded balls to the ground catch to rob David Wright in 2006. His near-Stephen King moment with the Mariner Moose’s ATV. His kamikaze catch going full-speed into the bullpen wall for the final out of the 2007 ALCS. (As Gabe Kapler said, “If it was a one run game, it goes down as one of the greatest catches in postseason history.”) His minor scuffle with the Devil Rays. His 10 pitch single in the 8th inning of game five the 2008 ALCS to bring the Sox all the way back from being down 0-7 to tie the game. That’s what I’ll remember from Coco. Oh, and that his ‘fro does get soggy in milk.

So long Coco, I hope you finally reach your potential…as long as it’s not in pinstripes.

Congratulations to Dustin Pedroia for winning his first Most Valuable Fucking Player award. Or, at least, that’s probably what he thinks it really stands for. I, personally, would have voted for Youks. Better offensive numbers, played gold-glove defense at not one, but two positions, and bat all over the lineup. But a .326 BA with 17HR and 54 2B’s aint bad.

In honor of Bull Durham and this link from the BBC, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was Pedroia’s first draft of his acceptance speech:

It’s a big honor, but, let’s be honest, I deserved it. You know, I actually give 110% every day, which to anybody else would be like 242%…I calculated it. And let’s face it, the fact of the matter is that very few talk the talk and walk the walk. Actually, I run the mother fucking run..and a whole lot faster than Youks. To be fair, how can he run with that dead ferret around his mouth? Haha, you got 3rd, bitch! So, going forward, I’m sure that another MVP award is in the pipeline for me next year, but this is certainly a step in the right direction. Any questions?

Congrats Pedey, hope you have a drink, or 20, on Dirty Watah. (Why am I afraid I’m going to get emailed a $300 bill for booze now?)